The U-Bend #30: Half-Blood Pie: A Musical Review

by Andrew Lee and Robert Lanto, to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean

A long, long time ago
the Prime Minister had a lot on his chest.
Strange occurrences meant he couldn’t rest
while Scrimgeour told him that the war was quite a mess.
Meanwhile, Harry left with Dumbledore
to help him go settle an old score
and end the reign of Voldemort.
Harry helped recruit Slughorn
before arriving at the Weasleys’ door,
spent the summer with his best friend Ron
and Hermione also tagged along.
Together on the Hogwarts Express,
no one knew he would soon face his ultimate test
that day, away, in July…

My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
that good ol’ time before the O.W.L.s arrived while Fred and George opened their store,
Fred and George opened their store.

The Half-Blood Prince owned the Potions book
which Harry hid like a crook,
but when the book told him so,
could Harry be so bold
and trust the notes which were over 50 years old?
His mark in Potions shot up overnight.
He thought the notes were surely right
and even though the source
had spells which showed no remorse.
The warnings fell on deaf ears
until it was too late to hear
the screams of Moaning Myrtle in loo,
using a spell that was taboo,
that day, away, in July.

She starting singin’…
My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
that good ol’ time before the big fight and how did Malfoy keep out of sight,
and how did Malfoy keep out of sight?

We finally learned about Tom
from his times as a lonely snob
but that’s not the only thing we got to see,
with the Pensieve we got to feel
what his Mom sold for a meal
and the things Voldemort had to steal.
Oh, we could do nothing but frown,
when the plans of Voldemort formed were found.
Tom’s interest was nothing but a sham.
The Horcruxes were backbone of his plan,
to live on forever, he’d have to kill, maim and dismember.
The Horcrux in the cave was guarded by a powerful curse,
and to make matters even worse, R.A.B. had gotten there first!
That day, away, in July.

He had written…
My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
Slughorn’s memory was a constructed lie and you’ll see why Voldemort didn’t die, you’ll see why Voldemort didn’t die.

Lovey dovey felt in Harry’s tummy
around Ginny and Luna he acted kinda funny,
while Ron and Lavender were kissin’ fast,
Hermione tried to fire back
relationships that failed in the past
and Romilda on the sidelines bein’ last.
Poor old Harry, caught in the middle,
walking a tight-rope to prevent a quibble.
He had to wait until Ron’s birthday,
oh, but we never got to say ‘Hooray!’
ended at the hospital wing.
Hermione felt so many things
will you recall the songs Ron and she will sing,
that day, away, in July.

They started singin’…
My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
that good ol’ time seein’ the Quidditch team fly and that Ginny and Harry were havin’ a good time,
that Ginny and Harry were havin’ a good time.

Oh and there they were all in one place,
Death Eaters violated Hogwarts’ sacred space.
Harry and Dumbledore just returned
into the revenge Malfoy yearned.
And against our wishes Snape became a fiend
or J.K. would like it to seem.
As Harry watched him on the stage,
his hands were clenched in fists of rage,
no remorse from Snape’s death spell
that ended when Dumbledore fell
and as Eaters escaped high into the night
from the Dark Mark which is quite a sight
I saw Voldemort laughing with delight,
that day, away, in July.

He was singin’…
My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
that bad ol’ time havin’ to see Dumbledore die
and saying did Snape really have to lie,
saying did Snape really have to lie?

In the end, I met some friends.
We talked and tried to comprehend
and get some theories before hitting ‘Send’
but they said they had other things to attend.
So, then I went down to that sacred store
where I’d bought the books before.
But the man there said the next book did not arrive.
And in the streets: the fans screamed, the shippers cried,
the editorials teamed but not a word was token,
because J.K. had spoken.
And the characters who meant the most to me,
Harry, Ron, and Hermione,
still make me think of that great fantasy
that day, away, in July.

And they were singin’…
My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
that good ol’ fun waitin’ for the time til the series goes bye
and saying for that final book I’d be first in line,
for that final book I’d be first in line.

They were singin’…
My, my that hot day in July, reading the Half-Blood Prince and the hours flew by
that good ol’ fun waitin for the time til the series goes bye
and saying that for that final book I’d be first in line.

Special thanks to Robbie and Sara who were infinitely helpful in editing this piece. Now, 50 points for the person (with musical talent) who can turn this into an .mp3 for those of us who don’t own their own band/recording studio.