Wizolympics 2016: Aerial Jousting

Ladies and gentlemen (and all those wonderful individuals in between), welcome to the broadcast of the 502nd Wizolympics Aerial Jousting competition!

The field has been arranged as it has been for centuries, since the beginning of time, when our rendition of Aerial Jousting was magically tossing one’s caveman friends at one another until someone was concussed. A staggeringly tall fence has been set up in the middle of an oblong-shaped arena. The point of the game is simple: Try to knock the other poor bloke out of the air.

The teams are now entering the arena! The champion from the United States, Adam Whitney, is doing his best to regain his honor from his previous disqualification in the 483 1/2 Wizolympics, where he was booted for using wandless magic. By the looks of his gem-encrusted broomstick and the lingering smell of hairspray that follows after him like a cloud, he hasn’t learned much since.

Yana Peeters of Belgium, an old pro and veteran to the sport, has taken to the air. After her is the representative from Finland, Jenni Oja. Despite her petite frame, she seems rather imposing being that she is clothed entirely in spikes and blasting epic viking metal music from the back of her horned helmet. Devon Dyshiki, of South Africa, looks horrified by the spectacle of her. Romania’s competitor, Dragos Dalca, has entered on his usual canary yellow broomstick, grinning brightly.

Jack Brown of New Zealand is next, closely followed by Miguel Castillo of Mexico, who is somehow managing to play an acoustic guitar while astride a broom. Japan’s Michi Komatsuzaki has seen fit to ride in on a vacuum cleaner.

Italy’s competitor, Giuseppe Toscano, has collapsed on the field. At first, he seemed clearly drunk, but in actuality, he’s only just finished dinner. The traces of marinara sauce are very clear on his mouth.

The match between Romania and New Zealand was jarringly short. Brown was blinded by the brilliant colors of Dalca’s combination of broom and outfit. He was knocked cleanly from the sky without a second glance.

In  Japan vs. Mexico, Komatsuzaki simply could not find enough power on his vacuum cleaner to clear the ground beyond six feet or so. Our guitar-playing hero, Castillo, has taken the victory. All the better for Komatsuzaki, who can now concentrate on neatening up the mummy wrappings left over from the opening ceremonies.

Belgium and the United States faced off thereafter. Peeters spared no time at all in teaching this young competitor to stand down. Using her usual lance technique and impressive upper body strength (Have you seen those biceps? What is that woman eating?), she made short work of Whitney, sending his backside to the arena floor.

Dalca and Castillo stare one another down, and the ominous music being played by Castillo on guitar does not help to ease the tension. With a burst of energy, and perhaps some extra magic, Castillo was sent swiftly careening to the arena floor by Dalca’s lance.

Belgium vs. Finland is up next. With a battle cry that rung like a death knell about the arena, Oja rushed forward and leapt from her broom, knocking Peeters off of her own broom with a roundhouse kick to the face. Peeters went down like a champ, but down nonetheless.

The final round belongs to Finland and Romania, yet Dalca seems to have disappeared. Oja has been waiting for an uncomfortable amount of time before, off in the distance, a spec appears. The spec grows into a large, leafy blob, and finally, it’s quite clear that this is no normal blob.

Dalca is riding a fully grown tree into battle. Laughing joyfully, as though this were no stranger than arriving within a mummy’s sarcophagus (which, arguably, it isn’t), he charged forward at Oja with alarming speed. She had no chance to regroup or dodge before the mass of vegetation hit her head on, getting her solidly stuck within its limbs. With a cry of triumph, Dalca is about to take a victory lap… but no… wait!

The tree’s roots have become entangled within the hoops of the Quidditch pitch. With a yelp of panic, Dalca found himself yanked from his seat and careening toward the floor of the arena. It looks like all of the competitors ended up defeated and bottom-first on the floor.

But wait… it can’t be… can it?

Italy’s contestant has finally managed to push himself up off of the ground. His last meal of gnocchi seemed digested just enough for him to want to get a cup of espresso. He didn’t seem to realize that he has become the winner in Aerial Jousting, on the basis that he is the only one left.

Bravo, Toscano! Who would have thought that a concussive amount of carbs would have won over the Wizolympics today?