Wizolympics 2016: Waitlifting Final

Here we are, folks! After yesterday’s chaotic qualifying round, the competitors are well rested and ready to battle it out in the Waitlifting Final. This is a test of wills and stamina, a test of patience and pride! Who will take home the Galleon medal in Waitlifting from the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Wizolympics? Will it be Bulgaria or Italy?

The audience is tense with excitement as the competitors take their positions on the arena floor, accompanied by their teammates who competed in the qualifying round. Representing Bulgaria, we have Grigor Vankov, with Anton Petrov standing by for encouragement after a brilliant display of waiting in yesterday’s qualifier. Representing Italy, Caterina Ardiccioni is in deep conversation with her teammate, Guiseppe Beltrami, who impressed the audience with his composure and class during the qualifying round. For Bulgaria, this is familiar territory, since they historically do quite well in the sport of waitlifting, but this is Italy’s very first time competing in the final round.

Let’s take a look at the objects the two teams have chosen to levitate. Just like yesterday’s qualifiers, the teams will levitate these items while waiting, but today they must wait for the buzzer to sound to signal the end of the competition. If both teams are still standing and waiting when the buzzer sounds off, it will be reset for another 18 hours, and so it will continue until a single champion is left on the floor. Bulgaria has selected a tree that appears to have been uprooted since there is a knot of roots nesting at the base of the trunk. The Bulgarians have a long history of showing off their unrivaled, brute strength in the Waitlifting competition. What an impressive object! Italy has once again selected a cooking accessory. Caterina Ardiccioni has placed a shiny saucepan on the ground in front of her. A whistle blows, and both Ardiccioni and Vankov levitate their objects into the air. The competition has begun! Now we wait.

Five hours later…

Both teams are still waiting patiently. Vankov’s muscular body is fully engaged in keeping the uprooted tree afloat. Ardiccioni is talking to Beltrami, passing the time with conversation and wild hand gestures.

Ten hours later…

It appears that the Italians are getting hungry. Beltrami is pulling pasta out of his robes and tossing it into the levitating saucepan. Reaching deeper into his pockets, he produces a jar of sauce, which he pours over the pasta. Event officials have their heads together, but I suppose there is no rule against adding things to your object, so they remain seated on the sidelines as Beltrami starts stirring with the ladle he levitated in the qualifying round.

Fifteen hours later…

Only three hours to go before the buzzer sounds. A hush has fallen over the arena. All is quiet except for the sound of snoring echoing off the ceiling and walls. While half the audience is asleep, a few attentive witches in the front row are still wakeful, giggling and watching Vankov and his muscles power through this fifteenth hour. Petrov is swaying on his feet, looking groggy but clearly trying to stand in solidarity with his teammate.

The Italians look to be in worse shape than the Bulgarians. Beltrami is curled up on the floor, in a food coma from all that pasta. The once again empty saucepan is still being levitated by a yawning Ardicionni. She looks as if she may soon go the same way as her teammate.

Seventeen hours later…

A loud crashing sound splinters through the air. The whole arena jumps awake with a few shouts of surprise. Audience members look around frantically for the source of the sound and soon discover Ardicionni passed out on the arena floor, the Italians’ saucepan clattering away toward the Bulgarians. Vankov looks down his regal nose at the saucepan but continues to wait for the buzzer before getting too excited. The Bulgarians have been here enough times to know to keep their composure in these final moments and not to get too overwhelmed when their opponent falls (quite literally).

Eighteen hours later…

The buzzer sounds, and the crowd goes wild! The Bulgarians have won their 298th Wizolympic Galleon medal in Waitlifting! Vankov finally lets the tree fall to the ground, shaking the whole arena. The Bulgarians grin in excitement, but it seems their leg muscles are too stiff to move. The officials therefore come to them, carrying the Galleon medals, which they hang around Vankov and Petrov’s necks. The Italians are still in a deep slumber on the arena floor, even as the sleepy applause vibrates through the stands. What an amazing display of patience! All those who competed today should be immensely proud of themselves for showing valor for their countries.

Beatrice Witherthorp

Veritaserum News Network (VNN) reporter