Harry Potter’s Résumé, Age 16

by · July 17, 2014

Harry James Potter

Gryffindor

Campus Address:                                                                               Home Address (sadly):

Bed 5, Sixth Year Boys’ Dormitory                                                      The Smallest Bedroom

Gryffindor Tower                                                                                  4 Privet Drive

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry                            Little Whinging, Surrey

EDUCATION

 

  • St. Grogory’s Primary School (Britain, ages 5-10)
    • specialized in avoiding Dudley Dursley’s “Harry Hunting”
    • Stonewall High (Surrey)
      • enrolled but never attended (although Aunt Petunia created my uniform)
      • St. Brutus’ School for Nasty and Incurably Criminal Boys (Britain)
        • Uncle Vernon told me to put this here (but I never actually attended)
        • Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (whereabouts hidden, ages 11-16)
          • O.W.L. grades
            • Outstanding in Defense Against the Dark Arts (which was inevitable after the successful leadership for Dumbledore’s Army)
            • Exceeds Expectations in Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures
            • Acceptable in Astronomy (pretty decent given the fact Hagrid was nearly taken out during this exam by Umbridge and her moronic Ministry cronies)
            • Poor in Divination (it was bound to happen)
            • Dreadful in History of Magic (Sirius dream. You can’t blame me.)

 

EXPERIENCE

 

Defeated Lord Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle, at the tender age of one.

And my parents died.

 

Received acceptance to Hogwarts at the age of eleven.

I grew my hair back overnight and freed an enslaved snake at the zoo. No big deal.

 

Became the youngest Quidditch player in a century at the age of eleven.

Gryffindor Seeker, nonetheless.

 

Seized the Sorcerer’s Stone from Voldemort’s grasp at the age of eleven.

Also kind of melted Quirrell in the process. That doesn’t count as murder, does it?

 

Drove a flying Ford Anglia with my best friend Ronald Bilius Weasley to Hogwarts at the age of twelve.

See Dobby or Mr. Weasley as references.

 

Became aware I could speak Parseltongue at the age of twelve.

Sighhhhyaaaa hessssiiiiiheethhhhh.

 

Created a batch of Polyjuice Potion at the age of twelve.

But I didn’t take it. I totally didn’t take it. That’s illegal. I didn’t. (Maybe I did.)

 

Stabbed a freakin’ Basilisk at the age of twelve.

There was no other way to phrase that.

Other than it was with the FREAKIN’ SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR.

 

Saved Ginny Weasley’s life at the age of twelve.

Holla atcha. (Please ignore a patient named Gilderoy Lockhart in St. Mungo’s.)

 

Successfully rode the Knight Bus as “Neville Longbottom” at the age of thirteen.

Please don’t lecture me; just remember my parents died.

 

Learned the Patronus Charm at the age of thirteen.

See Professor R. J. Lupin as a reference.

 

Went back in time at the age of thirteen.

Thanks to Hermione’s Time-Turner. (Technically, you could say she broke the law, not me.)

 

Saved two lives that night at the age of thirteen.

Sirius Black and Buckbeak. I’m a boss.

 

The Goblet of Fire chose me as a fourth champion in the Triwizard Tournament at the age of fourteen.

And not Ron.

 

Summoned my Firebolt to retrieve my egg in the first task at the age of fourteen.

Not that Mad-Eye Moody’s imposter gave me the idea, or anything.

 

In the second task, I saved not only my own victim (Ronald Bilius Weasley) but also Fleur Delacour’s little sister at the age of fourteen.

I don’t have a hero complex or anything, though.

 

Cheated in the third task at the age of fourteen.

Cedric’s death is my fault. #yolo

Remember my parents died.

 

Witnessed Lord Voldemort’s return at the age of fourteen.

Not that anyone believed me for a year anyways.

 

Got a hearing at the Ministry of Magic at the age of fifteen.

But I was cleared of all charges.

 

Created a secret underground guerilla organization that went against the Ministry and Voldemort called Dumbledore’s Army at the age of fifteen.

Take that Umbridge, you hag.

 

Currently becoming proficient in Potions at the age of sixteen.

Thanks to this diary with chicken scrawl handwriting.

 

 

SKILLS

  • I can fly, I’m a fair flyer
  • Parseltongue
  • not getting caught in the corridors after hours
  • I have a theme song.
  • Do you?
  • Also I can see Thestrals.

 

INTERESTS

  • Gingers
  • Quidditch
  • Saving the day
  • Invisibility Cloaks

 

REFERENCES

 

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

He’s Dumbledore. And he’s gay. A+

 

Dobby the Free Elf

Currently employed at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry kitchens

I freed him. That warrants some praise, doesn’t it?

 

Professor Remus J. Lupin

Member of the Order of the Phoenix (shhhh!)

He taught DADA my third year. He was the best teacher I ever had and a mate of my dad’s.

 

Arthur Weasley

newly promoted to the Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells

He’s my best mate’s dad, a Muggle lover, and just an all-around great guy to talk to.

 

Professor Horace J. Slughorn

Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, my sixth year

He put me in the Slug Club because I’m famous and he sees people as objects.

 

Harry James Potter

The Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, etc.

I’m famous because my parents died and I didn’t.

 

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

I only defeated him like four times. So far. To be continued.