You’re a Wizard, Daryl: “Walking Dead” in the Wizarding World – Part 1

In the wizarding world, there are fewer places as safe as Hogwarts. Aside from the giant Basilisk that resides in the plumbing, a forest full of creatures that want to kill you, life-threatening Quidditch games, an Azkaban fugitive who can slip through the castle’s defenses, three-headed dogs, the Triwizard Tournament, and Death Eaters dropping in for a spell, Hogwarts is the place to be when the world around you falls to a zombie apocalypse. I mean, the one thing you didn’t hear about breaking into the castle was Inferi… am I right?

That could be exactly why this rag-tag group of survivors sought sanctuary in our beloved school. Our dear Headmaster opens the large, heavy doors, fixes them with a kind smile, and thinks, “What’s the worst that could happen?” He leads them into the Great Hall to fill their hungry bellies, piles of delicious and mouth-watering food appearing, as if from thin air, onto the tables around them. A feast for the ages — BUT FIRST! How will they know where to sit and eat if they do not know which House they are in? Before they eat, they must be Sorted into one of the Hogwarts Houses.

Daryl Dixon

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Let’s get all the fangirling out of the way, shall we? Now, we all appreciate Mr. Dixon in our own ways. Some of us admire how he’s always the dependable badass the group needs when in a tough spot. Others might be drawn more to his greasy machismo. *swoon* The point is: Daryl is a man of many talents. He came into the group a wildcard, only tagging along as a means to reunite with his brother, Merle. His early distrust of everyone, bad boy persona, and quick temper makes him very Slytherin-like. However, as time goes on, we start to crack past that crunchy outer shell (just a nibble, please?), and he starts to display a more protective, lion-like quality. Is he cunning? Sure. Brave? Absolutely! Does he share the same attractive, greasy-haired quality as our favorite Slytherin, Professor Snape? Merlin, yes!! I have mulled over this for hours, and I find I keep returning to the same two Houses. Ladies and gents, allow me to introduce to you a very rare hybrid sorting. The Sorting Hat drops onto his head, the worn leather soaking in the awesome that secretes from his very scalp, and proclaims, SLYTHERDOR!

Carol Peletier

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I don’t think anyone has changed as much throughout the Walking Dead series as the lovely (and frightening) Carol. If you were to ask me which House she would be Sorted into at the beginning of the series, I would say Hufflepuff. Her loyalty to family and aversion to confrontation, in spite of the abuse Ed happily dished out (may he forever be face-to-face with the business end of a Blast-Ended Skrewt!), made her a great fit for the house of black and yellow. However! No offense to Helga Hufflepuff, but after her daughter’s death, I think Carol’s true nature has finally revealed itself. Buried deep down inside was a serpent waiting to slither out and horrify (read: excite) us. I don’t think anyone else exhibits the level of cunning and righteous deviousness our Carol does. She is willing to do what it takes, no matter what, to make sure she and her people survive. SLYTHERIN House is happy to have Carol on its side. We definitely don’t want her against us! We snakes should be grateful that our common room resides in the dungeons of Hogwarts where no flowers can grow.

Andrea

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Some people might feel the way I do about Andrea: indifferent. She lurked in the background for most of the series, and when she didn’t, she had a knack for irritating the heck out of me — much like Hermione irritated Ron and Harry in the beginning. However, unlike them, I don’t think I ever warmed up to her. In her pre-zombie life, she was a civil rights lawyer, so it’s pretty obvious the woman had her share of smarts to offer the group, especially when she realized she had a knack for firearms. Even though she exhibits plenty of bravery throughout her apocalyptic life, the clever house of RAVENCLAW is definitely where this stubborn, opinionated soul belongs. Even during her life at Woodbury, she retained a cool, clever head. If only she had the smarts not to let Milton chew on her there at the end. She might have grown on me.

Michonne

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Michonne is a woman of many talents. She is resourceful, courageous, cunning, and clever. There is no denying her solid loyalty to those she cares about, her badassery in general, her quick-thinking survival instincts, or her ruthlessness when the need occurs. “So where to put you…” the Hat wonders to himself. Let’s take a minute to consider one of the most iconic choices Michonne makes in the series: bringing her zombified boyfriend and friend along with her. Now, that decision could have come from an unbreakable sense of familial love and comfort that makes her unable to cast them away from her or put a bullet in their brains. Or perhaps, she is simply showing off her skills and bravery by turning two Walkers into virtual dogs on leashes, hoping that such a sight might make unfriendlies think twice before tango-ing with the likes of her. One can’t deny the cleverness of how she managed to tame such unpredictable monsters. Taking away their arms and lower jaws made them as domesticated as fuzzy kittens. There is also the ruthlessness and sort-of unfair advantage of using the decayed corpses of her nearest-and-dearest to walk through herds of zombies undetected. Michonne embodies all the traits of all the Houses and doesn’t seem to have more of one than the others. Today, the Sorting Hat is defeated. Let us all bow to the epicness that is Michonne. The HATSTALL that beat the Sorting Hat.

Maggie Greene

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At first glance, Maggie gives off a Ravenclaw vibe, but the more I reflect on her the more I am being pulled into another direction. She’s intelligent, yes. No doubt about that. However, her headstrong and stubborn attitude is just the tip of the iceberg that is Maggie Greene. She’s fiercely loyal to the group, always looking out for its members’ best interest in decisions made, but she’s also not afraid to put herself on the front lines. Our first glimpse of her daring personality can be found in her first supply run with Glenn where she initiates an intimate encounter. She continues to push the boundaries of her father’s wishes by sneaking around with the man who would become her future husband. The further she goes with the group, the more we find her volunteering herself for the difficult tasks, only staying behind when Glenn asks her to. With the fate of her husband unclear, she even heads out headlong into danger to find him. It would seem GRYFFINDOR has found a lioness in Maggie.

The Zombies

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Ah, yes… the zombies. We can’t forget them, can we? Which House would these determined little corpses be Sorted into? Well, HUFFLEPUFF of course, and let me tell you why. It’s no secret that Hufflepuffs love food. They value personal comfort, and what is more comfortable than food? Why else is their common room placed so near the kitchens, eh? The main drive of a zombie is to eat and eat and eat. These rot-bags are so incredibly resourceful when it comes to stuffing their faces that, when human nibbles are scarce, they will turn on any animals nearby. Scavengers to the core, they use their badger-finding-powers to seek out means to get to their snacks.

Let’s welcome our new housemates with warmth, friendship, and maybe some directions to the showers. But wait! I think I see some more wandering up the Hogwarts lawns. Keep your eyes peeled for the second round of Sortings coming soon!