2016 Resolutions: Death Eater Edition

New Year’s resolutions, a tradition spanning generations. Every December, we declare our year-long goals for the world to hear. Some vow to lose twenty pounds, others quit a nasty habit, and of course, there are the ones who seek jobs/love/tolerance/other-vague-accomplishment. If we are lucky, about 10% of us will actually keep these promises. For the most part, though, we will be the ones making a mad dash to the finish line midway through next December. There’s no shame it in. It happens to the best of us – and sometimes even the worst.

 

Have you ever wondered what kinds of resolutions the world’s most horrible people make? I have. It’s natural to wonder if bad guys have the same dull, predictable, overdone resolutions as the rest of us. For the HP world, no one was more horrible than those feisty Death Eaters. Let’s see what sort of things they are aiming for in 2016.

 

Bellatrix Lestrange

Older Sister to Narcissa (Black) Malfoy

Voldemort’s Last, Best Lieutenant

Resolutions:

After blindly following the Dark Lord for so many years, Bellatrix has

decided to try to be a more independent free-thinker type of woman.

She also wants to try to rekindle her marriage to Rodolphus and show

devotion to her actual husband rather than her “work-husband.”

 

Lucius Malfoy

Father to Draco Malfoy, husband of Narcissa (Black) Malfoy

Hogwarts Governor, Death Eater Defector

Resolutions:

Lucius would like to spend more quality time with grandson Scorpius,

and teach him about the family ideals his son, Draco, veered away from.

He would also like to become the new spokesmodel for Pantene Pro-V.

 

Draco Malfoy

Slytherin Seeker, former member of the Inquisitorial Squad

Death Eater Defector

Resolutions:

Since he managed to raise his son outside his family’s pure-blood-centric

ideals, Draco now wants to move them out of Malfoy Manor

and into their own place. Perhaps a nice, quaint little mansion?

He also plans to get a certain tattoo removed.

 

Bartemius Crouch, Jr.

Imprisoned in Azkaban for the torture of Aurors Frank and Alice Longbottom

Son of Bartemius Crouch, Sr. (Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement)

Resolutions:

Being trapped in Azkaban brings a whole new meaning to “cabin fever,”

so Barty, Jr. wants to travel and see the world this coming year.

He also resolves to try to repair the relationship with his father.

 

Antonin Dolohov

Murdered Order member Remus Lupin in the Battle of Hogwarts

Imprisoned in Azkaban for his part in the murders of Molly Weasley’s brothers.

Resolutions:

When his last visit to a Muggle cafe resulted in having his rear handed

to him (and his memory wiped) by three teenage wizards, Dolohov decided this

year he will cut back on coffee; or just avoid cafes altogether.

He feels it is also a good time to rediscover his roots.

 

Fenrir Greyback

Werewolf; infected Remus Lupin

Voldemort loyalist, former Snatcher

Resolutions:

While Greyback often took great pleasure in attacking children, this

year he resolves to pursue witches his own age. He would also like

to eventually settle down and have a litter of his own.

 

Lord Voldemort

Formerly Tom Marvolo Riddle, You-Know-Who, the Dark Lord

Heir of Slytherin, Prefect, Head Boy, leader of the Death Eaters

Resolutions:

Things haven’t been so great for Lord Voldything these days.

After letting wizarding world domination slip through his

fingers – twice – he just sort of fell apart. For 2016,

Voldy is making a resolution to find himself, pull himself together,

and learn how to stop and smell the roses (… Awkward).

What are your 2016 resolutions? Tell us in the comments below!