Other Love Poems by Lord Voldemort (And Their Consequences)

There is a consensus among many in the Potter fandom that the famous love poem commissioned by Ginny and sung to Harry by a surly, diaper-wearing dwarf was actually an original composition of Tom Riddle himself. A second look at the verse essentially confirms its origins:

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,

His hair is as dark as a blackboard.

I wish he was mine, he’s really divine,

The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.”

(CoS 238)

For one thing, only Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort himself used the title “the Dark Lord.” It’s a rather melodramatic title, perfectly suited for use by 16-year-old mass murderer Tom Riddle. Young Ginny, however, would have grown up hearing only of “You-Know-Who” and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” Ginny confided everything in Tom’s diary and came to rely upon it heavily; even if Tom didn’t physically write the poem, it’s almost certain that he had considerable influence over it. Only a mutilated fragment of the loveless soul of Tom Riddle could be such a hapless romantic as to compare someone’s eyes to “a fresh pickled toad,” after all. Ginny may have been 11 years old, but she could not have come up with something that stupid independent of Riddle’s influence.

Perhaps if he hadn’t been so busy – what with slowly draining the life from the vulnerable 11-year-old who poured her soul into the book he inhabited – Tom Riddle could’ve run a reasonably rewarding romantic advice service for the students of Hogwarts. Doubtless, they had a serious deficit in their training when it came to dating skills. If only that had been the true purpose of his Horcrux – not to rid the school of Muggle-borns but to guide struggling teenagers through the obstacle course of dating relationships – imagine the splendid chaos that would ensue!

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I went ahead and imagined it for you. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Harry Potter’s Request

After the debacle he faced in the halls earlier that day, Harry has a brilliant idea, grabs his quill, and seeks out the only person he can think of for advice. After describing his crush in as much detail as he can, Harry watches a little skeptically as Riddle spits out a poem for him. Harry decides to put aside his misgivings and go for it. Cho Chang is ambushed on her way to Arithmancy and soon turns bright red as her friends dissolve into laughter around her. She never finds out who sent her the poem, and Harry has no intention of telling her.

She soars like a bat through the skies.

Like a raven, she’s dark-haired and wise.

I hope that she likes me, her loveliness strikes me,

Like a Beater’s bat between the eyes.

 

 

 

From Neville

Neville decides on Valentine’s Day that he will live up to his House and do something bold and daring. He describes in great detail to Tom Riddle his secret crush, the way she looks, and the way she helps him out in class. Neville hopes that even if she won’t be his Valentine, they’ll remain good friends. Unfortunately, Tom doesn’t convey Neville’s feelings in exactly the way he had hoped for. Thankfully, Hermione remains tactfully and adamantly oblivious as to who sent her the poem to anyone who asks.

Her hair is as bushy as a squirrel’s tail.

She helps me in classes so that I don’t fail.

Her teeth are like a beaver’s,

I never want to leave her,

And I really hope this doesn’t peeve her.

 

 

 

Oliver Pranks His Roommate

Oliver Wood decides that it would be absolutely hilarious if he could ambush Percy Weasley with a poem while he’s on prefect duty. Tom Riddle is only too happy to oblige. Sure enough, just as Percy is telling off a few first years, a surly cupid tackles him to the ground and recites some of Tom Riddle’s best work in the middle of the busy hallway. Oliver will never forget the baffled look on Percy’s face.

Like a Swedish Short-Snout’s shimmery cobalt sheen,

Or like a dish soap-flavored Every Flavor Bean,

Your eyes are the brightest blue I have ever seen.

Like curdled Shrinking Solution, your hair is tangerine.

If you became my Valentine, I could not be happier.

With much admiration, from your secret admirer.