One-Star Movie Reviews as “Harry Potter” Characters
My guilty pleasures have always been just a tad bit strange. One of these guilty pleasures is reading one-star reviews. These can be for anything from movies to restaurants to Amazon products. While many of these reviews have the potential to be rather nasty and mean, every once in a while, you come across one that is completely absurd, so bizarre and blatantly ironic you have to pause and wonder if this isn’t just some elaborate satirical prank.
While these hilarious comments can be found on any site that involves ratings or reviews, the criticism of movies has to be one of my favorites. So without further ado, here are my favorite one-star movie reviews as Harry Potter characters.
Note: While all of these reviews are real, the authors names/usernames are not available to cite.
Draco Malfoy
“They are criminals but no one deserves to get hit in the head over and over again by a brick.” – review of Home Alone 2
For those very few individuals who have never seen this movie, it is about a young boy who is accidentally left at home while his family goes on vacation. While he is at home, two robbers try to break in. Kevin, the main character, sets up an elaborate plot/obstacle course/torture chamber for these foolish criminals, who spend the rest of the movie being soundly bested and injured by a child. One scene involves the two thieves trying to walk up the stairs of Kevin’s house while repeatedly being bashed by swinging bricks. They simply cannot catch a break.
This movie is a bit of a bloodbath. This review, in my opinion, does a great job of summing up Draco. Yes, it is true his first few years at Hogwarts were spent enjoying his father’s fame and money, but by the last few books, things start getting bleaker and bleaker for the kid. Even though he excitedly signs up to be a Death Eater, it is painful to watch him get knocked down so many times in such a short period.
Albus Dumbledore
“While I would like to believe all toys are sweet and innocent, as in this movie, I know for a fact they are not.” – review for Toy Story
An odd, vague, concerning review that leaves anyone reading it wondering what in the world they may be talking about, this quote has the same effect Headmaster Albus Dumbledore usually has on those around him.
This review was written about the movie Toy Story… which in no way elaborates on what in the world this statement is supposed to mean.
Of course, Dumbledore is known for his great love and dedication to the students at Hogwarts. However, if there is anyone who knows the potential dark side of the younger generations, it would be him. One trip to Wool’s Orphanage to meet with a certain 11-year-old Tom Riddle convinced the headmaster of evil. After all, it was a student who opened the Chamber of Secrets, killed his uncle, and began devoting his studies to the creation of Horcruxes (even if, at the time, the headmaster was not aware of just how evil the child he invited into Hogwarts actually was).
Colin Creevey
“I don’t mean to give any spoilers away, but there are no magicians in this movie. Don’t let the title fool you.” – review for Magic Mike
Sweet, joyful, enthusiastic Colin Creevey. I think on a certain level all Potterheads relate to Colin because deep down, we know we would act the same way if we received our letter from Hogwarts.
As Colin is a Muggle-born with no real clue of how the wizarding world works, I can see him writing this exact sentence in a letter back home to his father and brother. The review fits so perfectly with Colin, whom I can certainly imagine walking into class prepared to pull rabbits out of top hats and learn card tricks… something he would have done with distinct pleasure.
Severus Snape
“I hate superheroes. I also hate children.” – review for Spiderman Homecoming
I get major Severus Snape vibes from this review. It is a simple, straightforward review that wastes no time on pomp. It does not beat around the bush, and it is blunt. It also happens to display some of Snape’s core values. Sure, superheroes are not a thing in the wizarding world, but children certainly are. Especially children with round glasses and unruly black hair. Also children with toads and abysmal Potions records.
James Potter
“I love Ryan Roberts but I hope someday his children don’t see this movie.” – review for Deadpool
This is quite possibly my favorite review. Not only is Ryan Reynolds’s name spelled hilariously wrong but it reminds me fervently of one of the Marauders talking about James. They are big fans of him and his adventures but also hope that little Harry never finds out about all the trouble his father got into at school.
Do you have any one-star reviews we left out? Which one is your favorite? What characters should we add next time?
