Self-Care Essentials, by Gilderoy Lockhart
No one does self-care better than me, Gilderoy Lockhart (five times winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award). Take it from me: 2022 simply won’t be worthwhile without my list of self-care musts, which I’m graciously sharing with you, my adoring fans.
Outshine Everyone Else
Remember that if a friend, peer, or colleague outshines you in any way, don’t worry. Instead, take a balanced, self-care approach: With love and understanding, knock that witch or wizard unconscious—or just kidnap them. (Whichever feels true to yourself.) Next, Obliviate their memories, replace them with fabricated ones that make you look glamorous, and then claim their work and accomplishments as your own.
You’ll feel like number one again in no time!
Esteem Yourself
Start with the basics: Spare no expense on a 10-foot oil painting of yourself (looking gorgeous). Dedicate at least an hour or two each day (that’s on the conservative side), admiring yourself. Remind yourself aloud that you’re the greatest, most stunning, and most gifted wizard of the age (this is no exaggeration in my case, but whatever feels right for you).
Center Yourself
The pressure of tidying up your towering fan mail every week can overwhelm you. Don’t let it, darling! Instead, light some candles each evening and lay in a bed of your own fan mail—practicing mindfulness with a balancing, healthy mantra, such as: I am greater and more breathtaking than any other witch or wizard, and everything I do is magnificent. Next to me, other wizards look like hideous, talentless toads. I feel sorry for those pathetic losers, and I hope that by fostering my own sense of gorgeousness, I’ll help heal this world of inferior plain people.
Practice Award-Winning Smiles
Don’t let the world be the sole recipient of your radiant, splendid face. Spend at least an hour each day smiling upon yourself in the mirror (this should be separate from admiring your painted portrait, which, while gorgeous, can’t capture the magnitude of your actual superb face in a mirror).
You won’t believe how special you feel when you see yourself smiling at yourself.
Fake it (Especially When You Don’t Make it)
Do you dream about achieving your dreams and reaching your goals, but you feel worried because inwardly, you know that you’re talentless, unoriginal, and unwilling to work?
Be self-compassionate, my dear. Gently remind yourself: You can fake it and just fail up. If you don’t know how to do something (like operating a crane, teaching students, performing surgery, etc.), just tell people that you do know what you’re doing. Say it with a charming smile! Then, just go for it. If anything breaks, dies, fails, or combusts—someone else will probably fix it anyway. And then you can just blame whoever!
It’s all about self-care in 2022, or else you’ll become a hag or a troll. Celebrity is as celebrity does! You’ve got this.
