“Harry Potter” Characters as International Hot Dog Buns

Stop the presses, hold on to your pants, and get ready for the Dirigible Plum’s inaugural hot dog competition!

Well, sort of. It’s more of a hot dog review than a competition. Actually, it’s more of a comparison than a review. If we are really honest, it’s a list, a list of hot dogs… hot dog buns… as Harry Potter characters… But that is way more exciting than a competition. Read on to see who we decided was a soft bun, a chewy French baguette, and a danger dog. Hint: They aren’t who you think they are.

*Disclaimer: If some of these comparisons sound a little saucy, it’s because we A) did that by accident and B) were really, really hungry.

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Brioche-Style Hot Dog Buns – Draco Malfoy

According to popular opinion, the soft, mildly sweet brioche buns make you feel like you are eating your hot dog between two clouds. It sounds like a perfect description of Luna. However, the lingering pretentiousness of these French-made dessert buns has us deciding that Draco is the perfect character to represent this fancy, overrated, and ostentatiously unnecessary hot dog bun style.

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Sausage Roll Hot Buns – Hagrid

This type of hot dog bun is gigantic, starchy, and designed for big sausages. Sausage Roll buns are ideal for those who want a feast rather than a snack and like to go nuts on the toppings. This is definitely a bun in the style of our favorite half-giant. We hazard a guess, though, that these would actually be a snack for him and he would probably eat the whole pack. They come in 6.

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6″ Hot Dog Buns – Professor Sprout

6″ buns have texture, have great mouthfeel, are full of seeds, and have a little bit of a nutty flavor – are we describing 6″ sesame hot dog buns or Profesor Sprout? With all that goodness packed into a stout frame, it’s got to be our number one herbologist.

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Wonder Bread Classic Hot Dog Buns – Harry Potter

The OG bread brand replicates its signature product with this quintessential hot dog bun. It’s classic, it’s slightly underrated in looks, it has a tough, doughy aroma, and it’s universally liked. We couldn’t be talking about anyone other than Harry here. In short, it looks unassuming but surprises you with its flavor.

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Ball Park Hot Dog Buns – Crabbe and Goyle

Ball Park hot dog buns are cheap with basically no flavor. They have a weak, easy-to-swallow texture and are obnoxiously packaged in national pride graphic design (just in case you forgot who these buns root for). We thought of none other than the fascist duo Crabbe and Goyle.

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NZ and Aussie Sausage Sizzle Hot Dog “Buns” – Neville Longbottom

Ah, the old Antipodean “school fundraiser hot dogs.” These are actually just slices of bread, wallops of tomato sauce, and an occasional sprinkling of onions all for $1. They are simple, classic, and surprisingly delightful. Neville, we are looking at you, buddy.

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Bagel Dogs – Remus Lupin

With no toppings, buns, or sauces and looking like a hot dog wearing a turtleneck, bagel dogs are actually just bagel-style bread. This no-frills hot dog seems like a Lupin match to us. It looks bland, and possibly homeless, but we bet it’s rich with flavor and tastes delicious.

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French Baguette Hot Dog – the Lestrange Family

The Lestrange family portrays the arrogance and “couldn’t-care-less” attitude of a French baguette masquerading as a hot dog bun. It’s tough to chew, it has no character, and we would only eat it if someone forced us at wand point.

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Idaho Super Tuber – Ron Weasley

Stuffed in a local Idaho potato, grilled, and filled with sour cream, bacon bits, and chives, the Idaho Super Tuber is a special kind of treat. They say you are what you eat, and as soon as Ron Weasley finds out about these, he’s eating them 24/7. Plus, if anyone is getting stuffed in a potato, it’s Ron.

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Mixtas – Luna Lovegood

Being wrapped in a tortilla casing makes this Guatemalan hot dog affordable, fresh, and delicious. It is topped with a range of tasty morsels like guacamole, garlic, chili, and your choice of herbs. Luna Lovegood, with her cool, calm demeanor, unique way of looking at things, and colorful outerwear, seems like a mixta to us.

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Danger Dog – Sirius Black

Amazing name notwithstanding, this hot dog is Sirius to a tee. It is served in a bolillo, which looks like a fancy dinner roll. The danger dog is also saucy and so delicious it may give you a heart attack. (It’s wrapped in bacon and deep-fried.) Mmm mmm. Don’t be fooled by the devil-may-care name of this hot dog. It is named as such since it is usually very cheap and you are taking a risk by consuming this hunk of meat.

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Párek V Rohlíku – Barty Crouch, Sr.

Tightly covered in a bread roll, the párek v rohlíku is a Czech hot dog. It is simple, flavored with only mustard or ketchup, and found at gas stations or mobile food carts. We imagine this to be reminiscent of Barty Crouch due to its regular construction, suffocating straightforward jacket, and affordable cost.

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Did we “meat” your expectations with this list? What are your favorite hot dog buns?