Snape’s Profession

to the tune of “Dentist” from Little Shop of Horrors

SNAPE:
When I was young and just a bad little kid
My mama noticed funny things I did
Like shooting half-bloods with a stunning spell
I’d poison pixies, it’s fun, I can tell,
I’d find a pussycat and jinx its head,
That’s when my mama said,

PUPILS:
What did she say?

SNAPE:
She said, my boy, I think someday,
You’ll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay

CHORUS:
You’ll be a teacher (he’ll be a teacher)
You have a talent for causing great pain
Son, be a teacher (he’ll a teacher)
People will pay you to be inhumane (inhumane)
Your temperament’s wrong for the ministry
Son be a teacher, you’ll be a success

PUPILS:
Here he is folks, the master of potions,
Watch him suck up the fumes, oh my god
He’s a teacher and he’ll never ever be any good

NEVILLE:
Oh, that’s wrong. Wait, I can fix it

SNAPE:
Ah shut up, where’s your toad, we will try
I am your teacher,
And I enjoy the career that I picked (love it)
I’m your teacher, and I get off on the pain I exert (really love it)
I thrill when I take points off of houses, (not fair)
And swell when they tell me I’m mal-adjusted (brain-sick)
And though it may cause my pupils to stress (to stress)
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me, I know, I know
That my mama’s proud of me

(Spoken)
“Oh mama”
Cause I’m a teacher and a success
Say exam! (Ah)
Say test! (Ah)
Say exam! (Ah)

Now quiet!